Letters from a Drunken Literary Hostage
Jason Scherer

Editor's Note: One year ago, Quantum Muse published a transcript of a video sent to the four major networks. The video depicted a young writer being held hostage by a group of what the victim called "Literary Cyber-Terrorists", apparently the drunken staff of Quantum Muse (we'd like to point out that we do not engage in any such activities - they must be the evil twins we keep telling everyone about. The creditors have bought the story so far). The hostage was never released because the government refused to meet the demands of the group, which included a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax from the Merv Griffith Enterprises warehouse. Recently, an astute / torturned intern here at the zine intercepted a letter home from the hostage to his family, which we will publish in its entirety. To refresh your memory on the earlier crisis, please visit our archives here.

My Dearest Love,

Sorry if this letter smells a little. They've been pouring massive quantities of Jack Daniels (or, as they call it, "Motivational Juice") down my throat again, and some spilled on the paper. Guess it's better than smelling like strange perfume, eh? If only these guys wore perfume - I tell you, living in an underground bunker and being on a steady diet of beer, cabbage, and cheese does weird things to a person's natural odor. It also tends to give my "hosts" the intellectual depth of celery, but that's a complaint for another day.

So how are the cats? I hope they miss their favorite scratch toy. Right about now would be the time of year I'd be throwing them at the Christmas tree to see if they're "like velcro". God, it's the little things of home you tend to miss . . .

Have you been reading any of the stuff they've been forcing me to write lately? I tell you, it gets kind of old after awhile, being a "counter-culture revolutionary". Remember how I used to claim that independent film can get whiny and pretentious? At least they don't suffer from that round here. They just suffer from drunken silliness and weirdness - then again, I'm not sure if that's better or worse than egotism. You be the judge, I guess.

I might get to go out on a fieldtrip soon. They said they might go and see "Lord Of The Rings" when it comes out. I remember hearing something vaguely about that flick a year or so ago. Is it actually coming out now? I wonder if they're hyping it at all. Probably not - the studio probably thinks it'll just be some niche film for the geeks. Fools don't know the goldmine they'd get if they put some big names in it, and gave it a big budget with some great visual effects. They probably did it as some low-budget thing, right? Oh well. The guys will probably just go to the theater and throw Gummi Bears and get them to stick to the movie screen. They've mumbled something about trying to get that turned into an Olympic sport.

See, there - I've gone and done it again. Now I'm craving a Quarter Pounder. Remember how we used to always hit Mickey D's after going to the movies? I miss that. I miss the golden arches, I miss all that kind of stuff. I never thought I would, you know. America always like to rail against that whole aesthetic. What did that one writer call it? "The Fast-Fooding and Strip-Malling of America"? Something like that. People always complain, but trust me, when you've been locked up for a year living with people who brew their own beer, run on solar power, and complain 24/7 about "Microshaft" and "Internet Exploiter", you start to miss the mass-produced.

Don't worry, I'm not turning into a complete mindless coporate slave on you down here. Yeah, I'm stubborn, and you think that's how I'd react to their programming. But I'm just as cynical as always. I just never realized how big a part of my life professional wrestling was until I didn't have it anymore.

I just want to get out of here, enjoy some fresh air, maybe grab a burger and a Bud, and sit and watch some TV with you. They're not bad things, you know - I guess I never realized that.

I think I can hear one of them coming down. He's probably bringing the "motivational prod" (that's what he calls it - it's really a cattle prod jury-rigged from a bunch of Radio Shack spare parts) with him, so I better put this letter down and get started on the new pamphlet they've got me writing about the conspiracy between Microsoft, Barnes and Nobles, and Dean Koontz. Don't ask.

All my love,

J

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