Free Gratis
by Michael Gallant

I was watching the televsion series Deadwood the other day, and I had an epiphany.

The scene involved serval characters discussing a plan to provide smallpox vaccine to the citizen of the town. The publisher of the local paper was working out the announcement. He finished with "This vaccine will be provided gratis."

"Free gratis," clarified a town leader.

"That would be redundant."

Blank stare.

"Gratis means the same as free."

"So lose ‘gratis'."

Later the leader was complaining to an associate "Can you believe that idiot wanted to print ‘gratis?' Do you want to inform your readers or make ‘em feel stupid?"

I see a lot of submissions that could lose the gratis.

I'm not pushing to dumb down writing. I'm just saying that fiction, and especially dialogue, should be clear. Simple is often better. Look at the story you're trying to tell and the audience you are tying to reach. If your audience is a bunch of gold prospectors in 1876 Dakota, chances are they aren't up on their Latin.

Now, chances are that people who sought out a literary zine are probably fairly literate. I make myself believe this, despite some of my bourbon inflamed rants in the wee hours. That still doesn't mean that a big, impressive word is better. Be clear. Or, if you like, eschew obfuscation.

Narration should fit the mood of the story. Word choice should help to set the stage. If you are trying for fast paced action, don't use flowery phrases peppered with poignant, polysyllabic imagery and metaphor. Like that. If you want to highlight an aspect of the story, by all means draw attention to it with carefully chosen descriptive terms, just don't assume that more is better.

Now, in dialogue, this is not so much a matter of choice as a matter of crappy writing. Dialogue is people talking. Listen to people talk. In the real world. For good examples of hideous dialogue, watch any of the Star Wars prequels or any original programing on the SciFi channel. Dialogue should not sound like exposition, nor should it sound like a University English lit professor waxing eloquent about Shakespeare when the character is a ditchdigger leering at a passing prostitute.

Fantasy literature is notorious for this. The rugged barbarian swordsman is heard to utter threats in iambic pentameter. Phrases littered with adjectives and alliteration are probably beyond a culture still wearing loincloths. Marines talk about combat with a ten word vocabulary, five of which are variations of ‘fuck.' I know. I was one. Bandits describing their last raid should sound like Bruins fans reminiscing about the time Terry O'Reilly went into the stands after a heckler, not like Kenneth Brannagh giving the Agincourt speech in Henry V.

Or not. If you want the lone wolf swordsman to be a warrior poet, set that up.

Lest my editors pen encrimson thy sorry submission, and bring tidings of woe unto its kin, overrunning their fertile fields with fire and the sword, slaking my bloodlust on all without regard to age, gender or infirmity.

Now does that sound like a harried unpaid e-zine jockey running on caffeine, alcohol and spent adrenaline between ambulance shifts?

I wouldn't buy it.

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