Bitch Slappin' the Muse
by The Web Goddess

You may have noticed it's been some time since I last wrote something for QM's Editorial section. The reasons are many. Some of which are because, believe it or not, I do have a job. This job sometimes requires that I do some work. But that's not the biggest reason. The biggest reason is the Muse is a bitch, but I think she has every right to be. She won't talk to me lately. I keep watching or reading the news, and I think "Hey! That would make a great article!", but usually immediately following that, I wait for that inexplicable surge of excitement and creativity to follow, but lately, it hasn't come. OK, so this is probably karma for when I've stood up a boyfriend or two. Fine, no problem. She won't return my calls, either. Stupid karma.

So, I decided to make myself write something anyway. Sort of a literary masturbation, if you will. Not as good as the real thing, but it will have to suffice for now.

I decided to ponder as to why she won't return my calls. I think the standard protocol is, after you think the obvious "She won't call because you suck." you need to protect yourself from these thoughts with ones like "Maybe's she's scared or someone else hurt her and she doesn't want to open up?". Because obviously, you were good enough to talk to at least once before, so what's different now? Self denial is such a wonderful tool.

OK, so taking this second thought even further, I began to think of the reasons why the Muse is hurt. She's hurt because of a little something called "The Industry". The Industry are all the marketers and publishers of books, music and art. The Industry is why Prince turned his name into a symbol. The Industry is why you didn't hear a new Bruce Springsteen song for the entire decade of the 90's. The Industry is what makes writer's crawl through ground glass just to lick the boot of the publisher and maybe - if he's a very good boy - they'll toss him a gold coin. It's why you can't buy out of date books from major chain bookstores.

I was watching VH1, and a lawyer for the music company that put out the Goo Goo Dolls first album was quoted as saying "They foolishly believed that they were entitled to some money after selling two million records." The Goo Goo Dolls ended up in debt to the company to cover the marketing expenses.

But it's more than just The Industry's fault. It's John Q. Public's fault too. We eat up absolute crap. It's why American "Idle" and Survivor are big hits, but they canceled The Family Guy, The Andy Rictor Show and The Critic. It's why they make movies like The Country Bears and Dungeon and Dragons, and why you've probably never seen Memento or The Sidewalks of New York. There are always exceptions, of course. Sometimes great works of art do become huge hits, like Clerks, Saving Private Ryan and The Simpsons. But the overwhelming ratio of crap to great works of art are still much more prevalent (and more to my point).

So, is it any wonder the Muse is pissed? She probably thinks that if she gives me something brilliant, it will be sold to the highest bidder, changed and manipulated to appeal to the MTV generation and wrapped in a glitzy package of fake tits and cellophane skin.

The Muse was seduced into an abusive marriage with a pimp, called The Industry. The Industry offered her diamonds and pearls and real silk stockings. It told her it'd get her into pictures. It would take her away to the Casbah. Now, all it does is send her out to the street in fake wigs, crusty make-up and back-breaking stilettos to make it money.

Occasionally, she manages to sneak in an affair with a talented artist who's works are seen by all but a few appreciative clients who will show her true love and affection. These moments are her reason for living, but sadly they are few and far between.

Sometimes the Muse offers her services to a brilliant, but lonely artist who's works never see the light of day or are vastly underappreciated by the massess. She was on the clock at the time, but he didn't know it. He will forever be punished for his one night stand of perceived genuine affection. He didn't realize that he was getting screwed three times - once by the Muse, again by the Industry and finally by John Q. Public.

As John Q. Public, we're cheap unwashed bastards who cling tenaciously to our cellophane wrapped eye candy. Like a stupid john who sleeps with skanky hookers, we give money to see MIB II and continue to read Terry Brooks. This only makes the Industry pimp richer.

The only way to stop the madness is to pay the artists directly. Some artists just want a kind word, but I say no matter how much you boil a kind word, you still can't eat it. If you appreciate us so much, help feed and clothe us. If you're sick of the drivel the Industry puts out, then don't buy it. As spoken by Jay Sherman in The Critic, "If the movie sucks, don't go."

Ask yourself when was the last time you donated some change to a street performer or your favorite on-line site? Is it any wonder that web sites resort to banner advertising and pop ups? If everyone had just given them their spare change from time to time, then you wouldn't have to put up with that crap. This would allow the good sites to grow and the bad ones to die off.

Take a chance and give your hard earned money to artist you've never heard of. Buy a self-published book. Rent an independent movie. Buy a print direct from your favorite artist. If we all did this just once, we'd send a strong message to the Industry. And maybe, just maybe, the Muse's wounds will heal and she will reward us with her brilliance.

At the very least, she would start returning my calls and you wouldn't have to suffer through another article like this one.

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