First off, I want to
apologize to my fans. Iíve been in seclusion since my failed comeback in an
unfortunate remake of my 1958 classic, The Blob. The 1988 release of the Return
of The Blob was a big mistake, and for that I take full responsibility. I have
been brooding over that fiasco in my Beverly
Hills mansion ever since. Ashamed and addicted to
alcohol and pain pills, it took years of therapy to undo the damage to my
self-esteem. I am proud to say I am currently clear headed and drug free. One
day at a time.
When my last film flopped, I went into a downward spiral. I blamed my writer,
my director, everyone but myself. I went on an eating binge and gained a lot of
weight. I really became the blob. My affairs and divorces were sensational
scandals and dominated the tabloids for months. My life was a mess. There is no
need to go into all of that here, suffice it to say, I retired from public view
and went into a 30-year sulk. Today, for the first time, I feel as though I can
talk about my career without remorse. I would like this memoir to be my first
step on the comeback trail.
The world has changed so much since 1958. Those were the Eisenhower years and,
when I look back, I can see just how innocent we all were. In those days it was
enough to simply eat a few citizens to strike terror into an entire town. Those
were the golden years to be a monster in TinselTown.
Thatís not to say it was easy to get work, there were always younger, hungrier
monsters waiting to eat my lunch. I had some stiff competitionóThe Creature
From The Black Lagoon, The Thing, It Came From Outer Space, even Godzilla were
all there, competing for scripts and headlines. But as frightening as those
monsters were, they werenít The Blob. I was the big cheese, the go to guy, the
monster with the cult following. I had a lot of offers. My agent begged me to
audition. I turned them all down. Looking back, I regret my foolish pride.
The competition was purely professional, though. Off camera we all were
friends. We hung out together. Sure we had different styles, different
histories, but we were there for each other. We were pretty close, as close as
celebrities can be. We shared scripts, starlets, saw each other socially, and
played golf. None of the kind of sniping and backbiting so common today. We
took care of each other. We had a lot in common.
But tastes change faster than an actor can adapt. The public wanted fresh
thrillsócreatures from space, big, dumb monsters that killed without reason,
mutant insects that just ate and ate without the slightest feeling. Monsters
today have it easy. Modern screen techniques do all the work, all a monster has
to do is snarl and show its teeth and the technicians do the rest. In the old
days we really had to work to make look it real. Now some guy at a keyboard
just pushes a few buttons. Sure some victim gets torn to shreds, and you hear
the bones crunch and his brains pop out of his ears, but it isnít real. It has
no integrity. It isnít all that scary and it certainly isnít acting. Whereís
the art? When I ate someone, I felt it and the audience felt it too. And we did
it in black and white. Iím not saying monsters were kinder then, but somehow we
were more human.
A fickle public began demanding less gore and more relevance in its monsters.
Young monsters, raised on Stanislavski, were only too happy to oblige. Hollywood spawned sexy
monsters, monsters with motives, monsters with angst for Peteís sake, as if
being eaten alive wasnít horrifying enough, you had to care what his
motivations were. It was the era of method acting and it spilled over to our
kind. Personally I thought it was a lot of sillinessó a monster needs
motivation, since when?
I donít think much of todayís monsters; I would ingest the whole lot of them
and not even burp. Aliens, mutants, zombiesófah!óthe whole lot of them are no
match for the Blob in his prime. These days, I donít know, I hardly eat anyone;
I guess Iíve mellowed.
My last film, the 1988 re-make of my cult classic, was a disaster, I admit it.
I co-wrote the screenplay with the late, great Oscar Heimlich. It was a good
gut wrenching eat Ďem up. It was our producer Leonard Malcontentís idea to give
the movie relevance. He saw me as a symbol, a vehicle to deliver a more subtle
messageó to reveal the dangers of Communism and explore the nature of good and
evil. Heimlich and I wanted a straight forward monster movie filled with panic
and confusion; an innocent town held hostage by an unquenchable menace,
innocent townsfolk disappearing one by one or in small batches until the
terrifying conclusion. Thatís the role I was born to play. Fuck subtlety. But
Malcontent insisted on a subtext and that was the movieís undoing.
The producerís insistence on substance over action confused the audience, and
resulted in hiring the wrong director, choosing the wrong cast and setting the
whole movie in the wrong location. I mean, after all, what can you do to Newark, New
Jersey to make it more terrifying than it already is?
My artistic voice was muffled and the result was both predictable and
inevitableóinstead of a tawdry monster flick played for cheap thrills and
maximum shock value, we got a half-baked psychodrama that convinced no one. It
went directly to the drive-in theaters. Where it died a well-deserved death.
The reviews were so bad I swore off acting and began drinking.
I still have my fans and for that I am eternally grateful. They have stuck with
me all these years. It is because of them that I have cleaned up my act and
exploring some new opportunities. I have a new agent and am working on a
screenplay. I donít want to say too much about it, but it could be the
beginning of an HBO miniseries on bullying, urban violence and the nature of
good and evil.
2012-01-25 06:42:55 micheledutcher - Bottomdweller - Dear Blob, As the Oscars for this year attest, the viewing public is always looking for 'fresh meat' - ergo the plots in The Artist and Hugo. Let's get together soon and destroy/terrify a midwest Suburb. We could invite Charlie Sheen, the whole 'Tiger Blood' thing you know - WINNING! Your true blue friend, The Thing 2012-01-23 04:27:35 Ironspider - Like the subtext! Bring back real monsters - sod the angst!