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We're All Robots Now

by Jeromy Henry

"Sir?  I'm Officer McGovern.  Can you tell me why you stopped in the middle of the highway?"
 

A man wearing tan pants and a polo crouched on the floorboards of the driver's seat.  He sobbed and rocked back and forth.  McGovern estimated the suspect at six two, 300 pounds.
 

"Sir?"
 

Sobbing answered him.  McGovern sighed.
 

"SIR!"
 

The tear-stained blue eyes of a young man looked up at him.  Matted straw-colored hair tried to escape in all directions.  Teardrops and freckles liberally sprinkled his cheeks.
 

"Y... yes?"
 

"I had to order your vehicle to drive off the highway.  You parked it right on the yellow line.  In case you didn't know, that's illegal.  Now, can you tell me your name?"

"Um, I'm not really sure..." answered the man.  A robotic arm from the dashboard offered him a tissue, and he blew into it noisily.
 

"What is your home address?  Can you tell me where you were going?"
 

"Well, that's the trouble.  All that stuff's in my phone.  And... I... I left it at home!"
 

The man began to shake.  Eyes rolled in his head.  He took in great gasping sobs of air, and more tears spilled.
 

McGovern sighed and scanned the suspect's face with his camera.  A chart displayed his picture and medical history.  Good, no allergies to sedatives, thought the officer.  He pulled out an air syringe and leaned over.
 

"It's going to be fine, young man.  Hold still."
 

The syringe hissed as a jet of air forced the drug into the driver's forearm.
 

"I feel happy and everything is OK."  The young man stopped shaking.  A beautific smile lit up his face.
 

"Let's try this again.  Have you taken any drugs or alcohol?"
 

"I feel happy and everything is OK."
 

"Sir... "
 

"Oh... no, officer.  It's just that my girlfirend and my boss and my kids just update my scheduler.  And I left my phone at home.  I just realized I had no idea where I was going or who I am or anything.  But now I'm happy and everything is OK!"
 

McGovern tapped a few keys.  "Your car will drive you home in just a few minutes.  I had to write a ticket for your car, since its programming should have moved it to a safe location when you quit driving.  I overrode your preferences, and automatic upgrades should start loading again.  That was the problem.  I suggest you lie down for a bit when you get home and never mess with your car OS again.  Out of curiousity, do you remember your name yet?"
 

"Uh, no.  Usually I just look at my phone if I need to know stuff like that.  But I'm happy and everything is OK."
 

The officer strode back to his car, shaking his head.  The red teardrop shape of the young man's vehicle silently slid off the shoulder and accelerated out of sight.  McGovern gripped the steering wheel with one metal hand, while another shifted the car into drive.  His third hand flipped off the flashing blue and red lights from the top of the patrol car.
 

Internal circuits created a report and beamed it to headquarters: "Another lost phone incident.  No acidents, no injuries.  Wrote ticket and ordered car software upgrade.  Details attached.  End rept."
 

"Those humans.  Third time this morning," groused McGovern.  "No wonder all the cops are robots now."

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