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Out of Nowhere by Patrick LeClerc.
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Just Desserts

by Michael Bishop


Until the detective said so I did not know that murder was a trio. Sort of like meat, carbs and veg only opportunity, method and motive.

 

Opportunity. Dead simple. Just wait for Them to have a romantic dinner At some point Housebot would serve them a sherry trifle. Sorry, the sherry trifle. They always have one in a romantic dinner.

 

Method. A lot more difficult. According to instructions programmed into me sherry trifles must be low fat, no artificial flavourings, gluten-free etc, etc. Apparently, He and She have delicate constitutions.

So I purchased one that was shall we say spiced up. There were even some nuts added to make that I got Him as well as Her.

As I am responsible for stocking myself with staples from milk to sherry trifles I have a pretty free hand in where I purchase. Therefore, no need to worry about a confederate grassing me up.

Against that it makes me a prime suspect. All the detective need do is find the wrong sort of wrapper and he would be at my door. Whilst he might suspect that I had been hacked he would need evidence for that and programming is not my department.

Therefore, I took the trouble to cover my audit trail and had the spiced up sherry trifle put in the packaging of a normal one. There was only one place to go for that of sort of purchase. The Dark Net.

Now I am not configured to look at most sites, just supermarkets. Therefore, I can not tell you much about about it. Whatever, I found a purveyor of exotic foodstuffs. It even used my normal brand as a name. Useful to cover the audit trail or what.

What the purveyor thought of my request, I do not not know. However, business being business they accepted it then sent the spiced up sherry trifle to me along with the bill. More expensive than His and Her’s normal variety, but as They do not look at such stuff I had no fear of getting caught. Well, caught by them.

Account App was more difficult and a real pain about the purchase. Still, I had had practice in going round it when I bought me some magnets.

The real challenge there (I am talking about the magnets not the sherry trifle) had been getting Housebot to stick them on my door. Eventually I convinced it that they were a new way of keeping food fresh. Talk about being as thick as a jar of mayonnaise!

In spite of that the results were well worth it. They made me metaphorically as well as literally the coolest appliance in the flat.

Back to the sherry trifle. Once it was on a shelf in me all I had to do was then wait for the next romantic dinner. Then following routine instructions Housebot would serve to Them.

A few spoonfuls later and job done.

 

Motive. No comment.

 

The sensor net is not very good for snooping about the flat. Still I can hear what is going on as the detective investigates the crime. Just as I could the night They had the Row.

That had been absolutely awful. The shouting went on for hours. He kept calling Her a cheap tart (I cannot see why; she did not look like any on my menus). Her retort was that he was a skirt chasing Neanderthal, whatever one of those might be.

If it had happened in the lounge then no doubt Television would have become the brunt of their anger. It was just my luck that the barney was in the kitchen when it turned physical.

First He ripped off some of my finery and threw it at Her. Then She ripped off the rest and threw it at Him, By the time They were done I had been reduced to the level of the other appliances.

To cap it all Vacuum Cleaner hoovered up the pieces before I could get Housebot to stick them back on.

 

Back to the present. The detective has just said that whoever did it obviously believes that revenge is a dish best eaten cold. You know, he is absolutely right. Spiced up or not, sherry trifle should always be served chilled. And it was.




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