Piñatas From Space!: Crazy Games With Cards And Dice by Jeromy Henry	Stormcastle: And Other Fun Games With Cards And Dice by Jeromy Henry	The Tooth Fairy War and Other Tales by Jeromy Henry	The Wizard's House by Jeromy Henry
The Dreaming Fire by Jeromy Henry

Evil Nun Seeks Date

by Jeromy Henry

"Hi, I'm Donald Duck!" said Stan.

I blinked and looked over at my date.  His hands gripped the steering wheel so hard his hands looked like latex gloves.  A weird grin split his face.  He nodded his head up and down, causing his combover to wave at me like a third hand with lots of little brown fingers.  The car drifted to the left.  The headlights shone on trees instead of the night sky and asphalt.

"Uh, what?" I said.

I know, I know.  I should have grabbed the wheel.  Or at least said something witty in the face of certain pain and possible death.  Shock held me to my seat and twisted my muscles into frozen lumps.

A wave of force slammed me back in the seat.  My head bounced a few times.  Then it stopped working.

I came to wrapped in a blanket.  Flashing lights surrounded me.  My first dizzy thought was, "alien abduction?"  But no, I saw a guy in a blue uniform.  A police officer.  And there was an EMT.

They loaded Stan into the back of an ambulance.  I noticed some heavy duty straps holding him to the stretcher.  His third hand still waved at me.

"I'm Donald Duck!" he said.  Foam spewed out of his mouth, and then the door of the ambulance blocked my view.  I shuddered and looked away.  Did I just break some kind of record for the worst first date ever?  And why did he go crazy like that?  He seemed kind of boring at dinner, but not psycho.

A big guy wearing white bent down next to me.  He lifted up an eyelid and shone a light in my eye.

"Ma'am, you're going to be OK.  You have a mild concussion and a few bruises," he said.

He said a few other things after that, but I didn't listen.  The long, sleek black car with ridiculously large fins kind of distracted me.  It glided to a stop behind the ambulance.

"Is that Batman?" I murmured.

"Ma'am?" said the EMT.

A dude in a grey suit and sunglasses stepped out of the car.  His shoes shone so brightly they hurt.  The gold watch screamed money.  He sauntered over to me, running a hand through close-cropped salt and pepper hair.

He crouched down on the other side of me, opposite the EMT.  I glanced at the EMT, but he was busy tapping on a tablet.  He did not seem to notice the guy in the suit or the crazy car.  Weird.

"My readings say a new supervillain has appeared," said Mr. Suit in a deep voice.  "Or rather, supervillainess!"

I blinked.  I probably should have made a comment about people who wear sunglasses at night time and brain damage, but my mouth hung open and didn't want to cooperate in the grand goal of making the world a snarkier place.

"What an interesting power.  Anyone you date goes raving mad.  But your days of terrorizing innocent people are over!" he said.

That's when he pulled a freakin' 50's sci-fi ray gun out of his suit.  I don't know how the thing fit in there.  It measured as long as my arm.

The EMT still did not look up from his tablet.  A police officer stood by his car and muttered into a radio on his shoulder.  Did Mr. Suit have some kind of "notice me not" power?  My gut tightened.  I couldn't run.  But I had to do something.  An idea hit me.

"Will you date me?" I said fuzzily.  "Yes, great.  We're dating."

I leaned over and kissed him.  It wasn't much of a kiss.  I only caught half of his mouth with mine and left a smear of drool on his cheek.  My head pounded and I felt like hurling.  I'd rate the kiss about a -3 on a romantic scale of 0 to 10.  But I guess he wasn't lying about my supervillain powers.

He leaped to his feet and screamed.  He waved the gun around and shot green bolts of light randomly.  A tree exploded and fell across the road.  A police car jerked and rocked on its side as a hole appeared in the door.  I fell back on my ass and let the blanket slip off my shoulders.

Shots rang out.  The guy in the suit lay on the ground.  Police advanced on the body, pistols held like deadly toucan beaks in front of them.  OK, now they noticed him!  Maybe it was like D&D.  You attack, and your invisibility spell wears off...

I staggered to my feet and lurched down the road while everyone looked at Mr. Suit.  OK, so it was a really dumb idea to leave the scene of a crime while my head pounded with a concussion.  But if one guy could detect my newly discovered powers and come to kill me, why not someone else?

Through the headache and nausea and dizziness, a brilliant plan hit me like a lightning bolt.  I grinned so hard my face hurt.

Why not become a superhero?  My power didn't have to be evil, no matter what Mr. Suit said.  I could sign up for all sorts of dating sites and make my profile... interesting.  Post on terrorist websites.  White Supremacist sites, crap like that.  I could go out with the most... deserving... guys.  No one could pin a thing on me when they went off the deep end.

I wondered if my power worked over the internet or if I had to meet the scum in person.

I lost the grin as I realized I didn't dare date anyone who wasn't a total creep.  I'd be a nun.  Evil Nun Seeks Date, I thought.  I sighed.  I felt like curling up on the ground and crying, but I forced myself to keep moving.

So what should I call myself?  Black Widow?  No, White Widow.

I slipped into the shadows by the road and walked into the dark.

Read more stories by this author

Piñatas From Space!: Crazy Games With Cards And Dice by Jeromy Henry	Stormcastle: And Other Fun Games With Cards And Dice by Jeromy Henry	The Tooth Fairy War and Other Tales by Jeromy Henry	The Wizard's House by Jeromy Henry
The Dreaming Fire by Jeromy Henry

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