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Quantum Musings

Raymond Coulombe, Michael Gallant, Timothy O. Goyette
Outrunning the Storm

Michele Dutcher
The Greer Agency

Harris Tobias

Harris Tobias

Hump Hungry

by Edward Sullivan



The stupid light was shining right in my eyes.


“God damn it Jimmy, stop screwing around with that thing and hold still. I’m trying to paddle here.”
“Sorry Rick, this lake is creepy. I ain’t sure it is worth it doing this.”
“It is worth it. You don’t know any better cause your a virgin.”
“Am not!”
“Whatever! You haven’t even seen a girl naked!”
“Yes, I have!”
“Your sister don’t count!”


“Take it back Dick!” Jimmy jumped up toward the front of the canoe swinging the light.


I pushed him back with the paddle. “Sit down asshole. The boat will tip and I don’t feel like swimming tonight!” I placed it back in the water and kept paddling. “This camp is for cheerleaders. We are so getting laid! Cheerleaders love Eagle Scouts. It’s the uniform. Also if you ever call me Dick again I’m gonna crack you in the head with this and leave you to drown.”


“Screw you Dick!”


“What did I just say!” I swung the paddle back up at Jimmy.


“I wasn’t making fun of your name, I was calling you a dick!”


“Whatever. I should have taken Stu across the lake.”
“Maybe you should’ve. This lake is creepy as shit.” Jimmy swept the light over the water back and forth. “Why did they ever put a Scout camp on Crystal Lake anyway? Haven’t they ever seen that movie?”


“The camp was here before those movies, sissy. Are you really telling me you are afraid of slashers in masks?”


“It is just scary, okay?”


“Your just faggy, okay?”


“Asshole. How much longer? I gotta pee.”


“You would. The guy I talked to at Jamboree in Connecticut said it was dead straight across the lake and a little west. We should be there any time now.”


Jimmy heard a low wailing sound. “Shit what was that. Let’s go back!”


“You are such a wuss. That was a loon. They are all over the lake. I swear I don’t even know why we are friends.”


Jimmy flashes the light around on the water. “Oh yeah a loon. I knew that.”
“Yup. Sure.”


“Hey look a light.”




“Over there off to the right.”


“Yeah I see it. I will paddle us over. Welcome to the promised land my man. Time to get lucky.”


We drifted quietly to shore and landed our dingy. It was time to get our feet wet. I jumped right in, but Jimmy hesitated. “Hey Rick, what if they freak out about us being here.”


“You worry too much. We brought beer, they will love us. C’mon jackass!”


He got out of the boat like the little princess he is, trying to jump to dry land without splashing in the water. “ Just help me pull it up on shore will ya!”
“I’m trying’ to.”


“Come on the light is over this way.”


We walked towards the flickering light and started to hear music. It was heavy drums and girls shrieking. “Damn man, they are throwing a party. I bet it’s an orgy!”


“Rick, why would they be throwing an orgy at an all girls cheerleading camp?”


“You really are a special kinda stupid ain’t ya? You ever heard of lesbians? They got no boys so they have their fun with themselves!”


“That can’t be true. That is just something that happens in dirty movies.”


“Listen to that screaming, giggling and moaning and tell me I’m wrong.” Sure enough we got to the edge of the bushes and of course I was right. There was the heavenly sight of cheerleader upon cheerleader as naked as God made them. They were bouncing around gyrating to the drum music. They were kissing and painting each other’s naked bodies with paints.  Some of them were eating great big hunks of meat like primitive sexual cavewomen. I heard Jimmy suck in a breath. “I know. That my friend is an orgy!”


Jimmy didn’t even seem to be looking at the naked chics. He was pointing at their bonfire. Hung over the fire was Greg, a scout who had gone missing on a hike that day. We hadn’t given enough of a shit about Greg to cancel our rendezvous with sexual destiny. Jimmy started whimpering. “What are they doing? Are they eating him?”  They had worked through Greg’s legs but much remained of him over the fire. I looked closer and the naked girls all had their teeth filed to points which gleamed by the light of the fire and the moon.


“Jimmy, we have to back away, run to the boat.” I had already started backing away as I said that. Jimmy was not the cool, collected type. I knew this so I wasn’t really surprised at what came next. He screamed. He screamed so loud the girls heard him over the music and turned toward us. Time to haul ass!


I turned and made a run for it. Jimmy wasn’t out running me! I heard the girls screaming behind us. It sounded like that crazy bad ass Arab chant from movies and shit, but not quite. I saw things coming through the dark to the front and sides of me.


“Shit Rick, those are arrows!”


“Keep running!”


I heard a thunk and Jimmy fall. He was screwed. My legs were pumping. Maybe they would stop to take care of him. I saw the dingy. Almost home free. I ran down the beach and hoped in. That damn boat was ten feet out just from my momentum. I grabbed that paddle and started digging in to that water! I heard splashing. They couldn’t possibly be swimming!


I paddled till my heart felt like it would burst. I could barely move my arms. I had got out of there so quick I didn’t even see where I was headed. I realized Jimmy had the flash light. They could be swimming after me.


I think it is finally over. It is too dark too see and I am too scared to look.



2015-03-10 08:43:58
micheledutcher - It's a fun story, certainly. I'm not sure about some on the words that are PI, but it will be running during PI day - Saturday 3/14/15 (3.1415..) - so maybe it's appropriate in its inappropriateness - and we're all adults here.

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