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Jack and the Beanstalker
Jack and the Beanstalker
by Wendy S. Delmater
Happy Valley (News) “Jack Spriggins has received numerous email death threats from a female stalker” per a bulletin from the Happy Valley magistrate. Per this notice, the sinister messages say she wants to "squash him, kill him and just hurt him." Calling herself Garganta, she has pledged to visit his hamlet soon, saying it is her "big chance" to harm him.
Other threats have been left on Jack's fan club website, goosethatlaysthegoldeneggs.com. They originated from the literature department at Cyclops University in Crete, magistrates have discovered. No one at the university was available for comment.
There could be harm for Jack
The 17-year-old celebrity has been told to stay on the alert. Warnings about the threats were made to Jack's bankers more than a week ago in a leaked email headed "Spriggins stalker info - urgent!" The message warns Jack's Goosekeeper, Charlie Ludlam of the London-based banking guild Miser, Minder and Dourman: "There could be harm for Jack."
One message from the obsessed female stalker refers to pictures the young man's new home. It reads: "That mansion sounds cool...maybe I can get his addy then!! bwaahaaaaaa." This was followed by a smiley face, and the words "see you soon." Anything which might give a clue to Jack's address has since been removed from his fan club website.
Trying to lead a normal life
Six months ago, another stalker troubled Jack: A 16-year-old goose girl who claimed to be a freelance photographer. Jack recalls, "I'd be in the farmer's market, and this girl would be there. I'd plant a new beanstalk, and she'd be there. I'd look out my counting house window, and she'd be there. She was everywhere I went. It got so that in the mornings I'd open the curtains and she'd be there, holding that damned goose and a camera. I'm a businessman and don't like to hide. I could barricade myself behind castle walls, a dragon or knights. But I try to lead my life as normally as I can, just like Simple Simon around the corner."
The goose girl was warned about the kingdom’s recent Protection from Harassment Edict by pitchfork-wielding townsfolk with torches. She was told to stop bothering Jack and was then freed without charge. "If she breaches the restraining order, she'll be arrested," said the Chief Magistrate at a press conference last night.
Miser, Minder and Dourman declined to comment on the more recent email threats. The firm is sensitive about security issues following the mysterious theft of an all-seeing magic mirror from their guild hall. A sorcerer has been hired to probe into the theft. The sorcerer commented on Garganta’s threats: "These days you can't afford to take chances with a menace like that. Why, just look at what happened with that girl, Snow White involving this mirror! Shocking."
Jack's publicist, Camelot-based Morganna Fey, also refused to discuss the threats. But a source in her office told us: "Jack is very aware there are people who have an unhealthy interest in what he says and does. That's an unfortunate aspect of his celebrity. Sadly, there are maniacs out there who feel safe using the internet to intimidate and strike fear into their targets. Bring back the days of messages on arrows, I say."
Jack says he will still have the rest of his estate restored after that famous incident where he cut down his magical beanstalk in an act of self-defense. “But I’ll work with one eye out for trouble. I’m pretty sure I can make it to the dungeon if there’s trouble.”
The popular young man, recently named the Kingdom’s Most Eligible Bachelor, says he is also preparing for his up-coming Magic Harp concert tour at an ‘undisclosed location.’
Happy Valley (Fae!news Top Stories) Authorities and fans alike were rocked by today’s carnage in the formerly peaceful little hamlet of Happy Valley. “It’s horrible,” muttered a witness with seven wives on his way from St. Ives. “Not a brick or house in the town was left standing.”
This aerial photo of the devastation shows the clear footprints of the giantess wanted for flattening the town. Jack Spriggins’ mansion was located at the lower right of the photo, now a muddy, foot-print shaped lake.
Magistrates have arrested The Goose Girl, shown here with her face covered being led into custody, as an accomplice to Garganta, who, according to police, is “still at large.”
Click here for more photos of the disaster at Happy Valley.
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